I am in a bad mood. Everything I was hoping to accomplish today did not happen. Things that looked like might work out did not, and none of my fondest dreams are going to come true. I don't feel like being optimistic tonight. I'm tired and discouraged and very much feeling like the most unimportant person in the world. I can't do anything right or get anything I want. I hate the world, and I don't like my life.
Or maybe I just have a broken heart and pms...
Friday, August 29, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
hope at last?
Sometimes it seems impossible to have hope. The world as it is becomes too discouraging, too overwhelming, too stuck in its own, gloomy rut. But hope is something in which I have always believed.
Growing up as a pastor's daughter, I was taught that there is a hope for a better place for believers. But I always rather took issue with that concept. You see, I find the world a dazzling place, full of wonder and possibility. The turning of the seasons, the growth of a single seed, the might of a crashing thunderstorm are as magical as any deed done by a bespeckled boy wizard and his kind. I never needed a musty-seeming story read by a fat lady in a bad dress at Sunday School to tell me miracles existed. Ever witness the birth of a kitten? Ta-da! New life! Magic!
Lately, my belief in the future and my desire to believe the best will happen has been sorely tried. I have been surrounded by sadness and death, by defeat and grief. My husband, who is not noted for sharing my optimism (hence the name pesimst), has even noticed the downturn. If any would have expected it, you'd think it would've been him. But not so much.
His job has been horrible. Really, really horrible. There is no stability left there, and there doesn't seem to be any place left to go with it. He was facing a future of simply marking time for a couple more decades and then retiring to a few decades of boredom. And this was the best-case scenario, provided he didn't get canned for circumstances beyond his control!
But lately, things are starting to look up a bit. You see, he might be able to find a way to go to school in January to go into a profession he would be passionate about where the sky's the limit on advancement and opportunity. All this for only big heaps of debt and several years of hard work!
There are a couple of big pluses for me in all of this. One is that he would be finishing about the time I want to go polish up my degree. It'd be nice to be able to afford some help instead of doing it all myself while going to school. Two is that he would gain an understanding of what I was facing by going back. Last time, he had no idea and didn't realize there was slack to be picked up. Three is the possibility of having a happy, fulfilled husband, instead of the grouchy, nervous facsimile that his current job sends home to me each night. And, lastly, is the likelihood that this could make some of my fantasies (those that would have remained forever beyond my financial means, or outside my capabilities as a housewife) actually become possible.
The only dark spot on my horizen is that, should all this work, it puts another baby forever out of reach. That is something I am struggling to accept. Life is all about choices, and sometimes there so much harder than we ever thought they could be.
Nonetheless, I have hope. I can see a way to dream again. I can see a future.
Growing up as a pastor's daughter, I was taught that there is a hope for a better place for believers. But I always rather took issue with that concept. You see, I find the world a dazzling place, full of wonder and possibility. The turning of the seasons, the growth of a single seed, the might of a crashing thunderstorm are as magical as any deed done by a bespeckled boy wizard and his kind. I never needed a musty-seeming story read by a fat lady in a bad dress at Sunday School to tell me miracles existed. Ever witness the birth of a kitten? Ta-da! New life! Magic!
Lately, my belief in the future and my desire to believe the best will happen has been sorely tried. I have been surrounded by sadness and death, by defeat and grief. My husband, who is not noted for sharing my optimism (hence the name pesimst), has even noticed the downturn. If any would have expected it, you'd think it would've been him. But not so much.
His job has been horrible. Really, really horrible. There is no stability left there, and there doesn't seem to be any place left to go with it. He was facing a future of simply marking time for a couple more decades and then retiring to a few decades of boredom. And this was the best-case scenario, provided he didn't get canned for circumstances beyond his control!
But lately, things are starting to look up a bit. You see, he might be able to find a way to go to school in January to go into a profession he would be passionate about where the sky's the limit on advancement and opportunity. All this for only big heaps of debt and several years of hard work!
There are a couple of big pluses for me in all of this. One is that he would be finishing about the time I want to go polish up my degree. It'd be nice to be able to afford some help instead of doing it all myself while going to school. Two is that he would gain an understanding of what I was facing by going back. Last time, he had no idea and didn't realize there was slack to be picked up. Three is the possibility of having a happy, fulfilled husband, instead of the grouchy, nervous facsimile that his current job sends home to me each night. And, lastly, is the likelihood that this could make some of my fantasies (those that would have remained forever beyond my financial means, or outside my capabilities as a housewife) actually become possible.
The only dark spot on my horizen is that, should all this work, it puts another baby forever out of reach. That is something I am struggling to accept. Life is all about choices, and sometimes there so much harder than we ever thought they could be.
Nonetheless, I have hope. I can see a way to dream again. I can see a future.
Monday, August 25, 2008
a day in the life of a pixie
Or "welcome to hell, here's your accordion"
No, seriously, my life's not that bad. Sure, it starts about three hours earlier than I'd like with my phone singing Flogging Molly's peppy tunes and vibrating around my nightstand so much that I usually just get up so it won't fall and break. And, sure, the mad scramble to get lunches in bags and backpacks on backs before the big yellow bus pulls up can get the pulse racing and tempers flaring. And the mad shrieks of an angry Tyrannosaurus can cause temporary deafness and make the dog pee on the floor. But it's not TOO bad...
At least, it's nothing I'd trade for money, power or fame. Because, you see, it's me that gets to make those lunches, rather than trusting to the processed garbage the school likes to pretend is healthy. And I am the one who gets to play goalie when the baby is throwing his little round cereal bites and laughing like a hyena. When my kids have a program during the day, I get to go and take pictures certain to embarrass them in years to come.
Now, that's not to say that there aren't times I don't want to chuck it all and have my own work schedule for other people to work around. There is always a mess in my livingroom floor from having cats and a dog and a baby playing there all day long. And there are always dishes and laundry and the grocery store and bathrooms to clean and meals to cook, and if I get bored, I can strip beds to wash sheets, or go hunting for that missing library book. And, being the only stay-at-home parent out of five parents (including exes and steps), I get all the fun of appointments and practices and meetings with teachers. I like to say that the only present I want for any gift-giving occasion is one day OFF.
But my afternoons, when the baby takes a nap, in the few minutes before my husband and big kids get home, I have a second to catch my breath, put off thinking about supper, ignore the lunch dishes in the sink and just enjoy it: it's busy and messy and loud and runs entirely on the loosest, most fluid schedule. But it's my life, and I wouldn't give it up for anything.
No, seriously, my life's not that bad. Sure, it starts about three hours earlier than I'd like with my phone singing Flogging Molly's peppy tunes and vibrating around my nightstand so much that I usually just get up so it won't fall and break. And, sure, the mad scramble to get lunches in bags and backpacks on backs before the big yellow bus pulls up can get the pulse racing and tempers flaring. And the mad shrieks of an angry Tyrannosaurus can cause temporary deafness and make the dog pee on the floor. But it's not TOO bad...
At least, it's nothing I'd trade for money, power or fame. Because, you see, it's me that gets to make those lunches, rather than trusting to the processed garbage the school likes to pretend is healthy. And I am the one who gets to play goalie when the baby is throwing his little round cereal bites and laughing like a hyena. When my kids have a program during the day, I get to go and take pictures certain to embarrass them in years to come.
Now, that's not to say that there aren't times I don't want to chuck it all and have my own work schedule for other people to work around. There is always a mess in my livingroom floor from having cats and a dog and a baby playing there all day long. And there are always dishes and laundry and the grocery store and bathrooms to clean and meals to cook, and if I get bored, I can strip beds to wash sheets, or go hunting for that missing library book. And, being the only stay-at-home parent out of five parents (including exes and steps), I get all the fun of appointments and practices and meetings with teachers. I like to say that the only present I want for any gift-giving occasion is one day OFF.
But my afternoons, when the baby takes a nap, in the few minutes before my husband and big kids get home, I have a second to catch my breath, put off thinking about supper, ignore the lunch dishes in the sink and just enjoy it: it's busy and messy and loud and runs entirely on the loosest, most fluid schedule. But it's my life, and I wouldn't give it up for anything.
Friday, August 22, 2008
in the interest of fairness...
Did I spell that right?
So, to be fair, and as a result of feeling more like my perky old self today, I thought perhaps I should list the things that went right this summer.
Since our wireless phone service expired in July, pesimst got us each new phones, to go with our new provider. And he got me a Sidekick. I am in love. With the phone. Well, and, obviously pesimst, too. However, this thing is the device I have been searching for all my life! I have email, a great little writing program, the internet, my calendar, my address, plus games and fun, and, of course, conversation, all at my fingertips. No more trying to get the kids settled to run to the back room so I can fire up the computer. Well, okay, rarely. And the unlimited data service is dreamy! pesimst, my older sister, a friend in Texas, and a cousin of mine can all be reached, any time of day, free. If something funny happens, a quick text to my sister, and she'll have a laugh on lunch break. Need something from the store? Text pesimst any time, and he'll check it when he has time, no work interruptions. LOVE it!!!!!
Another good thing that happened is that I got all of my appointments set up to get my dental problems fixed. It's going to take a month (next month), but I'll be able to really smile again. I am so giddy!
The kids are healthy and happy. Van, the oldest, is in fourth grade. He has the only male teacher in the school this year, who is the one he was hoping to get. The guy is really cool, very nice, and has really inspired good behavior and hard work, so far. DC is in first grade, and taking some time to adjust. She's not great at the follow-through on her work. But her teacher is patient and kind, and seems more interested in cooperation than obedience, and DC loves her. Tyrannosaurus is 15 months old, and a SCREAM! He has a delightful sense of humor, and a spicy-hot temper. When he's happy, he's very, very happy, and when he's not, he's loud. Of course, he's loud when he is happy, too...
Tyrannosaurus still has his bad habit of beating his head when frusterated. Right now, he has one big bruise on his forehead from walking into the corner of a table. The other four bruises were self-inflicted, when he just got mad.
The other good news is that he doesn't appear to have food allergies, although he's a bit sensitive to dairy. But I have reason to hope he'll outgrow that. Thank heaven, since I cannot live without cheese! LOL
Last June, pesimst and I took part in a charity poker run. Now, for those of you who, like me before we signed up, have no idea what that is, we took the motorcycle out to five different places and got five sealed envelopes with a playing card inside. We then returned to the park we started from, got another card for a small donation, and then made the best poker hand we could out of our cards. The best part of the day was getting to spend it tucked on the back of the bike with pesimst, just being together for several hours. The second best part was winning the grand prize! :) All of the burly biker guys thought it was hysterical that the tiny girl on the bike with the skinny, very non-biker boy won a $500 Harley-Davidson gift certificate! And I had the perfect Father's Day present for pesimst! He was thrilled to finally get a luggage rack and bag, plus lots of decorative accessories for Doreen (the Harley), so he didn't have to wear the backpack that was hurting his back to work anymore. And he got me a cool new diaper bag!
We're planning on another afternoon out on the bike in a week or so. I really can't wait. There's something so liberating about riding. There's just not room on there for emotional baggage. Not to mention the fact that it uses so little gas and has such low emissions! I also love the togetherness we get from curling up on her seat and just being.
Oh yeah, and I'm going to be an aunt again :) That's the happiest part of all for me. My younger sis, who has had her own summer of hell, is pregnant, after not being sure it would ever happen again. She's a great mom, and she's always wanted a busy family. I'm so excited. Some days, it's a little hard, but mostly, it's just very healing to have another baby coming into the family. Especially since she uses the same midwives as me, will nurse well into toddlehood, and gently parents in an attached fashion. It's nice to get excited, know I won't have to bite my tongue a la "why are you doing THAT to that baby?!" and knowing this baby is an answer to a dream and a prayer. What a blessing!
So life is never all bad, even on the days it feels like it is. There are little things like new phones, fun things like big, expensive prizes, and awesome, magical things like children and new babies to be celebrated. And today I celebrate, and I am humbled and grateful.
So, to be fair, and as a result of feeling more like my perky old self today, I thought perhaps I should list the things that went right this summer.
Since our wireless phone service expired in July, pesimst got us each new phones, to go with our new provider. And he got me a Sidekick. I am in love. With the phone. Well, and, obviously pesimst, too. However, this thing is the device I have been searching for all my life! I have email, a great little writing program, the internet, my calendar, my address, plus games and fun, and, of course, conversation, all at my fingertips. No more trying to get the kids settled to run to the back room so I can fire up the computer. Well, okay, rarely. And the unlimited data service is dreamy! pesimst, my older sister, a friend in Texas, and a cousin of mine can all be reached, any time of day, free. If something funny happens, a quick text to my sister, and she'll have a laugh on lunch break. Need something from the store? Text pesimst any time, and he'll check it when he has time, no work interruptions. LOVE it!!!!!
Another good thing that happened is that I got all of my appointments set up to get my dental problems fixed. It's going to take a month (next month), but I'll be able to really smile again. I am so giddy!
The kids are healthy and happy. Van, the oldest, is in fourth grade. He has the only male teacher in the school this year, who is the one he was hoping to get. The guy is really cool, very nice, and has really inspired good behavior and hard work, so far. DC is in first grade, and taking some time to adjust. She's not great at the follow-through on her work. But her teacher is patient and kind, and seems more interested in cooperation than obedience, and DC loves her. Tyrannosaurus is 15 months old, and a SCREAM! He has a delightful sense of humor, and a spicy-hot temper. When he's happy, he's very, very happy, and when he's not, he's loud. Of course, he's loud when he is happy, too...
Tyrannosaurus still has his bad habit of beating his head when frusterated. Right now, he has one big bruise on his forehead from walking into the corner of a table. The other four bruises were self-inflicted, when he just got mad.
The other good news is that he doesn't appear to have food allergies, although he's a bit sensitive to dairy. But I have reason to hope he'll outgrow that. Thank heaven, since I cannot live without cheese! LOL
Last June, pesimst and I took part in a charity poker run. Now, for those of you who, like me before we signed up, have no idea what that is, we took the motorcycle out to five different places and got five sealed envelopes with a playing card inside. We then returned to the park we started from, got another card for a small donation, and then made the best poker hand we could out of our cards. The best part of the day was getting to spend it tucked on the back of the bike with pesimst, just being together for several hours. The second best part was winning the grand prize! :) All of the burly biker guys thought it was hysterical that the tiny girl on the bike with the skinny, very non-biker boy won a $500 Harley-Davidson gift certificate! And I had the perfect Father's Day present for pesimst! He was thrilled to finally get a luggage rack and bag, plus lots of decorative accessories for Doreen (the Harley), so he didn't have to wear the backpack that was hurting his back to work anymore. And he got me a cool new diaper bag!
We're planning on another afternoon out on the bike in a week or so. I really can't wait. There's something so liberating about riding. There's just not room on there for emotional baggage. Not to mention the fact that it uses so little gas and has such low emissions! I also love the togetherness we get from curling up on her seat and just being.
Oh yeah, and I'm going to be an aunt again :) That's the happiest part of all for me. My younger sis, who has had her own summer of hell, is pregnant, after not being sure it would ever happen again. She's a great mom, and she's always wanted a busy family. I'm so excited. Some days, it's a little hard, but mostly, it's just very healing to have another baby coming into the family. Especially since she uses the same midwives as me, will nurse well into toddlehood, and gently parents in an attached fashion. It's nice to get excited, know I won't have to bite my tongue a la "why are you doing THAT to that baby?!" and knowing this baby is an answer to a dream and a prayer. What a blessing!
So life is never all bad, even on the days it feels like it is. There are little things like new phones, fun things like big, expensive prizes, and awesome, magical things like children and new babies to be celebrated. And today I celebrate, and I am humbled and grateful.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
They're Baaa-aaaaaack!
Hi all. I'm back. It's been a rough summer. At this point, I'm just glad it's over, trying to pick up the pieces, and trying to find a new definition of normal and just get on with life.
To catch everyone up: I was cat-sitting three cats for someone who was out of their home for MONTHS due to a flood and insurance issues and bank issues and a work crew that was all crew and no work. Their lives sucked. The cats, however, pissed. And pissed. And pissed. One of these days, I'll quit finding tinkle spots, and my nose can come back to life. I hope. LOL
Just before my birthday, I found I was unexpectedly pregnant. However, before I had even really begun to process it, I miscarried. On my birthday. Each year, I tentatively begin to celebrate my birthday figuring it just can't be THAT bad, can it? And it is. Every year. This past May, a friend called me to wish me happy birthday. After she said it, she asked "It is a happy one, isn't it? Yours get weird." Yes, they're really like that. So I'm done now. I have learned my lesson. From now on, it's a day. Just an ordinary day, although, it will probably be an ordinary day which I will spend in bed with a mixed drink in one hand and a few bottles of wine under my pillow, just in case it should be one of THOSE again.
Somewhere in the middle of all of this, the house began to fall apart: a glass door got broken, and our carpenter has gone MIA, so we don't know when it'll get replaced. The front porch post came down due to a dog. The drain in the bathtub broke. The hot water heater has begun to act weird. The house filter assembly (we're on a well) is acting screwy and keeps trying to spray water around the utility closet. The un-stretched carpet has gone from beginning to wrinkle to HORRIBLY wrinkled - like don't walk across the livingroom in the dark, for fear of tripping and dying. We had to replace the couch, the baby's mattress, his playpen, several items of clothing from everyone, shampoo all three of the other mattresses, shampoo the chairs, the chaise, the carpet, the carpet and the carpet, find a gentle way to clean the felt on the pool table, and throw away more than half of my shoes from cat pee. The two outdoor dogs got into a huge fight, leaving one of them pouring blood onto my kitchen floor and the other with a roughed up neck and a hole in the skin of his chest that nearly killed him. One of my cats was bitten on her back, which led to an abscess and a very sick kitty. One of the cat-sat cats was allergic to something in the house and ended up half-bald on her neck and legs. I still don't know what it was that got to her, but I felt SO BAD! And then we hit the middle of an Oklahoma summer, and started to have to fight fleas. Urgh.
In June, I began to feel strange. I figured, no way. We've been SO CAREFUL. No way. Well, yeah, way. I was again pregnant. I wanted to sit on it and not tell anyone, but I started showing really early. So I started to tell people, started to get happy, started to feel hopeful. And then, the day pesimst first referred to my pregnancy with the words "The Baby," I started to bleed. It was twins, and I lost them. I was 8.5 weeks along.
At this point, I've come to the conclusion that we won't be having any more children. We had tentatively begun discussing the possibility of trying in a year, and then pesimst's job went rather south. Things there are not good, not stable, very frustrating and very frightening. Plus, I need some serious dental work done. We had planned on doing it a year ago, but we had a baby, instead. So we're planning on it before too long, but I honestly don't know if it'll happen, what with the job problems and the cost of gas and groceries (amended: and the phone just rang. It was pesimst, and we're going to the dentist tomorrow to schedule the first part of the dental fix!). So, since I want to go back to school to finish a library degree, and I don't want to wait too long, since pesimst wants to retire early, and I don't want to work through his retirement. When he retires, I wouldn't mind working a bit longer, but I want time with my husband. We never had time with "just us" in the beginning like so many people have, we came into this marriage with kids already in tow. So we're planning on, and working towards that as a goal.
Anyway. I'll stop rambling now. Long story short: the summer sucked. It's over. School is back in session, and I like both kids' teachers. I'm back at the keys on this blog. Hope to "see" you all back here soon, too!
To catch everyone up: I was cat-sitting three cats for someone who was out of their home for MONTHS due to a flood and insurance issues and bank issues and a work crew that was all crew and no work. Their lives sucked. The cats, however, pissed. And pissed. And pissed. One of these days, I'll quit finding tinkle spots, and my nose can come back to life. I hope. LOL
Just before my birthday, I found I was unexpectedly pregnant. However, before I had even really begun to process it, I miscarried. On my birthday. Each year, I tentatively begin to celebrate my birthday figuring it just can't be THAT bad, can it? And it is. Every year. This past May, a friend called me to wish me happy birthday. After she said it, she asked "It is a happy one, isn't it? Yours get weird." Yes, they're really like that. So I'm done now. I have learned my lesson. From now on, it's a day. Just an ordinary day, although, it will probably be an ordinary day which I will spend in bed with a mixed drink in one hand and a few bottles of wine under my pillow, just in case it should be one of THOSE again.
Somewhere in the middle of all of this, the house began to fall apart: a glass door got broken, and our carpenter has gone MIA, so we don't know when it'll get replaced. The front porch post came down due to a dog. The drain in the bathtub broke. The hot water heater has begun to act weird. The house filter assembly (we're on a well) is acting screwy and keeps trying to spray water around the utility closet. The un-stretched carpet has gone from beginning to wrinkle to HORRIBLY wrinkled - like don't walk across the livingroom in the dark, for fear of tripping and dying. We had to replace the couch, the baby's mattress, his playpen, several items of clothing from everyone, shampoo all three of the other mattresses, shampoo the chairs, the chaise, the carpet, the carpet and the carpet, find a gentle way to clean the felt on the pool table, and throw away more than half of my shoes from cat pee. The two outdoor dogs got into a huge fight, leaving one of them pouring blood onto my kitchen floor and the other with a roughed up neck and a hole in the skin of his chest that nearly killed him. One of my cats was bitten on her back, which led to an abscess and a very sick kitty. One of the cat-sat cats was allergic to something in the house and ended up half-bald on her neck and legs. I still don't know what it was that got to her, but I felt SO BAD! And then we hit the middle of an Oklahoma summer, and started to have to fight fleas. Urgh.
In June, I began to feel strange. I figured, no way. We've been SO CAREFUL. No way. Well, yeah, way. I was again pregnant. I wanted to sit on it and not tell anyone, but I started showing really early. So I started to tell people, started to get happy, started to feel hopeful. And then, the day pesimst first referred to my pregnancy with the words "The Baby," I started to bleed. It was twins, and I lost them. I was 8.5 weeks along.
At this point, I've come to the conclusion that we won't be having any more children. We had tentatively begun discussing the possibility of trying in a year, and then pesimst's job went rather south. Things there are not good, not stable, very frustrating and very frightening. Plus, I need some serious dental work done. We had planned on doing it a year ago, but we had a baby, instead. So we're planning on it before too long, but I honestly don't know if it'll happen, what with the job problems and the cost of gas and groceries (amended: and the phone just rang. It was pesimst, and we're going to the dentist tomorrow to schedule the first part of the dental fix!). So, since I want to go back to school to finish a library degree, and I don't want to wait too long, since pesimst wants to retire early, and I don't want to work through his retirement. When he retires, I wouldn't mind working a bit longer, but I want time with my husband. We never had time with "just us" in the beginning like so many people have, we came into this marriage with kids already in tow. So we're planning on, and working towards that as a goal.
Anyway. I'll stop rambling now. Long story short: the summer sucked. It's over. School is back in session, and I like both kids' teachers. I'm back at the keys on this blog. Hope to "see" you all back here soon, too!
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