hope at last?

Sometimes it seems impossible to have hope. The world as it is becomes too discouraging, too overwhelming, too stuck in its own, gloomy rut. But hope is something in which I have always believed.

Growing up as a pastor's daughter, I was taught that there is a hope for a better place for believers. But I always rather took issue with that concept. You see, I find the world a dazzling place, full of wonder and possibility. The turning of the seasons, the growth of a single seed, the might of a crashing thunderstorm are as magical as any deed done by a bespeckled boy wizard and his kind. I never needed a musty-seeming story read by a fat lady in a bad dress at Sunday School to tell me miracles existed. Ever witness the birth of a kitten? Ta-da! New life! Magic!

Lately, my belief in the future and my desire to believe the best will happen has been sorely tried. I have been surrounded by sadness and death, by defeat and grief. My husband, who is not noted for sharing my optimism (hence the name pesimst), has even noticed the downturn. If any would have expected it, you'd think it would've been him. But not so much.

His job has been horrible. Really, really horrible. There is no stability left there, and there doesn't seem to be any place left to go with it. He was facing a future of simply marking time for a couple more decades and then retiring to a few decades of boredom. And this was the best-case scenario, provided he didn't get canned for circumstances beyond his control!

But lately, things are starting to look up a bit. You see, he might be able to find a way to go to school in January to go into a profession he would be passionate about where the sky's the limit on advancement and opportunity. All this for only big heaps of debt and several years of hard work!

There are a couple of big pluses for me in all of this. One is that he would be finishing about the time I want to go polish up my degree. It'd be nice to be able to afford some help instead of doing it all myself while going to school. Two is that he would gain an understanding of what I was facing by going back. Last time, he had no idea and didn't realize there was slack to be picked up. Three is the possibility of having a happy, fulfilled husband, instead of the grouchy, nervous facsimile that his current job sends home to me each night. And, lastly, is the likelihood that this could make some of my fantasies (those that would have remained forever beyond my financial means, or outside my capabilities as a housewife) actually become possible.

The only dark spot on my horizen is that, should all this work, it puts another baby forever out of reach. That is something I am struggling to accept. Life is all about choices, and sometimes there so much harder than we ever thought they could be.

Nonetheless, I have hope. I can see a way to dream again. I can see a future.